Storms and Rainbows
This picture was taken a few days before my birthday on last year as I was going through one of my most difficult battles of pregnancy loss and depression....
It has been after the 1 year anniversary (Aug 30). I did not post because I felt numb. All of the memories flooded me hearing the words "no heartbeat on that day, one year ago. I was not bleeding, so I did not understand why there could not be a heartbeat. It took 2 weeks until the baby passed on Sep. 16 of 2021 (my birthday) in the toilet. I became sad and depressed for this nightmare that did not end. One year later, it is by God's grace that He has kept me through. Since that time, we have had one more MS. I don't know when or if, but I just want God's will. I do desire to grow our family, but again I surrender to God. Two months before my miscarriage on Aug 30, I had a dream that was significant. I have an idea of what it meant but got chills recently when another mama shared a similar dream. In the dream, I saw this beautiful little girl with two pony tails but I could not see her face. She held my hand and she had won a beauty pageant. We were in a large gym and I took her up front to receive the prize. The prize was a handful of rainbow colored hair bows. I had to let her hand go in order to receive these bows that were placed into my hands that were cupped together.
Recently, the other mama who shared her dream saw a boy but never saw his face. She later miscarried. She is now pregnant with her rainbow baby.
This gave me hope to keep trusting in God no matter what. I believe the dream was a reminder of God's promises and that we have the victory in Jesus Christ, our true prize.
My heart hurts, but I also am holding onto hope in Jesus Christ. As a part of my healing journey, I wrote a book dedicated to parents (especially moms) that have had a pregnancy loss, still born, or child loss. It has truly been healing during this journey that I am still on.
May something I have shared give encouragement to someone else who is hurting, to not give up, but keep holding onto God's promises.
Through the storms, rainbows are evidence of God's promises. I continue to believe Jer. 29:11, "For I know the plans that I have for you, plans to give you hope and a future." Through the disappointment and pain, I trust that God's plans are way better than mine.
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